Fuck transitioning into adulthood and purchase some of these items that will instantaneously launch you into a life equipped with a retirement plan and regular dental checkups.
What was once only recognizable as a frat paddle can now be the focus of a ten-minute conversation. “How do you like your cutting board?” “I love my cutting board.” “Can you put that cutting board in the wash?” “Nope!”
Bottles of half-drunk liquor and wine are emblems of adulthood only when they are arranged artfully in an easily-accessible varnished display. Personally, I’m still at the stage when all I know about wine is that it’s either in an unopened bottle or coursing through my veins at an unprecedented rate. (Applicable to all liquors.)
You know who owns wicker baskets? Adults. You know what they keep in those baskets? Blankets, lavender, yarn, produce from farmers markets, and probably, like, bills. Wicker baskets practically scream “I’ve given my soul to Good Housekeeping and there is no looking back.”
Full disclosure: I had no idea there wasn’t a cooler name for the strap that prevents your glasses from falling off. But then again, there shouldn’t be — there’s nothing trendy or quirky about eyeglasses chains; eyeglasses chains are adult particularly because they are practical and no-nonsense. If you sport one of these, people will get the message that you understand the terms “mortgage” and “fiber” loud and clear.