David Beckham continued his longstanding collaboration with H&M today by unveiling a new swimwear line with his body. Abs and tattoos and a steely gaze are the best way to move slinky swim shorts off the shelves, or something. While 90% of this campaign’s usefulness is padding your spankbank, here’s a list of things we’re ambivalent about that we would like a lot better if they had David Beckham’s body.
He loves animals, he’s vegan, and he makes electronic music, so you’d think we would like him. But something about his eerily quiet voice, bald pate, and privately-owned tea shop tip him into the kooky New Wave dad category. On David Beckham’s body, though? Moby becomes a sexy bulldog.
2. The USA Network.
Yes, you can find the occasional marathon of your favorite Mandy Patinkin-helmed crime show Criminal Minds here, and also, we think they might air Charmed in the mornings, or maybe we’re thinking of TNT. But White Collar? Royal Pains? Do you even know the difference between the concepts of those two shows? Us either. On David Beckham’s bod, though, every original series is a Nielsen ratings hit.
3. The cast of Entourage.
Sometimes they look like they might smell good, but really the second one of them opens their mouths OH GOD CLOSE IT, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, JEREMY PIVEN. Stick ‘em on David Beckham’sbody, however, and we’d enthusiastically consent to the gangbang of their dreams.
Besides the fact that middle-aged men use it to stalk their future intern child-brides, what is the purpose of LinkedIn? Who has looked at their LinkedIn profile since they made it in a faux-adulthood adrenaline rush on graduation day? We bet you’d be refreshing that shit on the half-hour if it was on David Beckham’s bodayyyyy.
5. David Beckham’s post-soccer body.
Specifically the body that David Beckham has during this swimwear shoot that we’re talking up right now. Like, it’s OKAY. It’s FINE. It’s great-of-center. But the man has been out of the professional soccer game for a year. He’s lost a lot of muscle tone, as this amalgamation of his latest, washed-up spread photoshopped onto a vintage Armani underwear campaign pic from the peak of his (thighs’) career demonstrates.