1. A Skinemax Movie.
You know the best part about watching Cinemax’s late-night softcore porn? NO DICKS. Yeah, for some, blessed reason, an actual erect penis is deemed too obscene for sweet, delicate softcore premium cable TV. So you get to see all the gentleman six-pack action and flexing, sinewy thighs and butt dimples your fluttering
clitoris heart desires, without the less savory old, gray unfunny white dudes awkward genitals.
2. The Watch What Happens Live after show.
Most WWHL guests manage to cling to their sobriety for the 30 minutes they’re on air during Bravo’s live late-night show, in spite of host Andy Cohen’s elaborately coercive drinking games. But once the show hits the interwebs for its 8-minute after party, the FCC censors come down, and so do gay icons’ inhibitions. No one on CBS is going to allow Lea DeLaria to come onto a Real Housewife of Atlanta.
3. Reruns of Murder, She Wrote.
Because honestly, considering CBS’s demographic, its ratings would be the same.
4. Maria Bamford’s webseries Ask My Mom in which she plays both herself, and her mom.
Because observing a female comedian’s frank, amusing tales of grappling with her own anxiety and depression feels better that watching an old white male late-night host bumble his way through Online Social Media Rituals Of The American Youngun.
5. The insides of our eyelids because 11:35pm is late, yo.
We are busy career hustlers, and ain’t nobody got time to stay up till 12:35 in the goddamned morning on a weeknight. Plus, how would we procrastinate doing any work for the first hour of the day if we didn’t watch late night clips from the night before on the internet?