The Maude‘s Song of the Summer as Determined by High School Stereotypes

Because even mall-punks have to survive summer.

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It looks like some sites have jumped the gun and already declared a song of the summer, which is terrifying because it is April and we feel like we’re still trying out that one weird trick doctors hate to get a bikini body. But if everyone else is diving into that pool, you bet your ass we won’t be the last one wet!

We’ll come out and say it: we think it’s some bullshit that songs of the summer have to be new. We think it’s doubly bullshit that songs of summer have to be happy pop songs because NEWSFLASH: even sadboys and mall-punks go on summer vacation and they, too, need to rock out. So I present to you The Maude‘s (Way Too Early To Be Determined) Songs of the Summer for Every High School Stereotype!

Like I mentioned earlier, sadboys are a special breed that need some special attention, especially in the summer when they can’t just swaddle themselves in hoodies or brew tea for cute girls with side bangs. So what’s the perfect song for their extra-hot angst and distress?

School is out of session and these boys and girls are spending the entire summer at their waterfront houses. Hell, maybe they’ll be going to a lacrosse camp or wear big brimmed hats at the racetrack. But what’s the soundtrack for when they steal mum and dad’s Lexus convertible, cruise around their gated beach community, and pop luxury bottles of bubbly seen only on Rich Kids of Instagram?

Summer Camp Counselors
These kids live for the summer. They have the enthusiasm needed to put on Broadway productions starring fifty fourth-graders and the precision of the greatest Pinterest user. They’re the sole reason Buzzfeed’s ’90s nostalgia lists remain so popular. But even camp counselors, who live and die by the flag of Camp Eagle Isle, have nights off. And we’ve all seen Wet Hot American Summer. So when these dudes aren’t on duty, what do they listen to?

The Jocks
The jocks never really get a break. They have to stay in shape between lifeguard shifts: pre-season practice starts in mid-July and they have to be 100 percent focused on catching and throwing whatever ball their sport requires. All that tension can really add up and when they just need a release that doesn’t involve alcohol or drugs, which would compromise their athletic integrity, you better believe they are listening to one song and one song only.

Hot Foreign Exchange Students
They’re here for a short six-week term and have to cram everything American in that they can. Along with eating cotton candy and working a minimum wage job at the boardwalk, they’re listening to a song that was kind of a hit in 2006.

It’s been a few years now, so the hipsters are listening to this in ironic appreciation of not-too distant summerpop.

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