Are you a recent graduate who hasn’t found a job yet? Blame your college career center. They’ve been feeding you the wrong information ever since you were having panic attacks during freshman orientation. We’re here to lay down the real deal, DL, down and dirty, mean streets, hardcore parkour scoop on how you can land your dream job.
Step 1: Network
Linkedin and Monster.com won’t help a job seeker like you. Instead, ring some doorbells in your neighborhood. Families are always looking for help, especially those with young children. Pro tip: they’ll love how bold you are by coming to their door, completely unsolicited. Nine times out of ten they’ll hire you on the spot!
Step 2: Have the Tools to Succeed
Make sure to stock up on office supplies before your first day on the job. Most people fail in their careers simply because they weren’t prepared. Flowers are always a good idea. Your clients will love them, especially if they squirt seltzer water when you squeeze them. (The flowers, not your clients.) Silly string is also a surefire way to impress upper management.
Step 3: Dress Appropriately for the Office
No one will take you seriously if you don’t look the part. Invest in shoes that are six sizes too large and make an amusing squishing sound when you walk. Always have a horn in your pocket that makes a noise along the lines of ” ah—OO—ga.” Last but not least, make sure your nose is constantly covered by a red, foam ball.
Step 4: Learn the Tricks of the Trade
You always have to be on top of your competition. For example, some of your peers might have mastered juggling ten knives. Oh, what’s that? You can juggle ten flaming chain saws? Guess who’s going to land the job and treat themselves to the combo meal at Arby’s tonight!
Step 5: Burn Your Clowning Gear, Ask Your Parents for Money, Cry, and Befriend Jack Daniels. Three Years Later, Get a Law Degree
Life’s tough. Sometimes your dreams just don’t work out.