Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone! It’s the official gateway drug to summer fashion, and what better way to celebrate those men and women who selflessly gave their lives in the name of their country than to get drunk in the sun while wearing revealing American flag-themed outfits? Here are a few items that fly directly in the face of the Flag Code, but won’t break the bank! (Which is broken enough already!)
Quick review: According to the Flag Code (which is not law, just a polite suggestion when considering its use to express pride in one’s country), a “flag” can be “any picture or representation…made of any substance or represented on any substance, of any size evidently purporting to be either of said flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America or a picture or a representation of either.” Basically anything that looks like it’s trying to be a flag counts as a flag.
You cannot write or print anything on a flag, nor can it be used for advertising. But most notably, “[t]he flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery,” “should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise,” nor should it be used as a receptacle.
This may not count as a receptacle, but it does count as wearing apparel and does not count as “half-staff”:
And this is just shitting all over the thing you think you’re celebrating.
Now that we’ve learned what not to do with the flag, let’s see what American retailers are doing anyway!
American flag flip flops: If putting the image of the flag on the ground isn’t enough, put the entire weight of your body on it while dragging it across the Earth!
American flag shorts: Go ahead and just sit on the flag all day. Put it directly under your ass and then sit on the ground!
American flag bikini: A deconstructed flag to barely cover your naughty bits? We salute you back, patriot!
American flag scarf: It’s like you took an actual flag and wrapped it around your neck! A great way to show that you not only love your country, but you like to get kinky and weird with it, too!
American flag pants: I saw someone wearing these bad boys on Thanksgiving Day. And I’m pretty sure he had to sit on a toilet and let those stars and stripes hit the floor. These are the perfect pants for when you’ve not merely given up on good taste, you’ve actually leapt off the cliff! (And that means the flag is being flown “aloft and free,” according to the Code!)
The takeaway: We get it. You’re patriotic. It’s Memorial Day, and we’re all grateful for the people who made the biggest sacrifice. Salute the flag, honor the flag, wave the flag — just don’t try to wear it. That’s doing it wrong.