If some inquiring minds wanted to know whether or not we liked hand massages, we would use very questionable tactics to obtain Billy Eichner’s phone number and shoot him a charmingly forward text asking him if he thought we liked hand massages. You see, you may think that after twenty to thirtysomething years of being yourself, you are pretty familiar with your quirks and interests. You may think you enjoy milk chocolate, particularly when it is half-melted by fire heat and sandwiched between a marshmallow and graham crackers, but when Eichner explains that you don’t like milk chocolate because it’s beneath you and you far prefer the occasional piece of dark, everything will snap into a brilliant clarity as if you just stumbled out of Plato’s cave into a warm, sun-lit world where a grown man screams at people about Ginnifer Goodwin’s haircut. Everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt. (Except your eardrums.) (And your ego.)
For proof that Eichner is a well of insight, look no further than the latest clip from Billy On The Street in which actress Drew Barrymore plays a round of “Would Drew Barrymore Like That?” While she ultimately wins the game, Barrymore learns a lot about herself, including her hatred of cotton and the status of the Portlandia cameo she requested.