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How to Get Comfortable in Your SKIN™: A User Guide

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Thank you for purchasing a SKIN™, the premiere head-to-toe soft outer covering for vertebrates! We hope you enjoy wearing your SKIN™ and get usage out of it for years to come! In order to optimize your SKIN™ experience, please read the accompanying user guide which details all of your new SKIN’s™ functions, how to care for your SKIN™, and troubleshooting. Further information including exchange policies and manufacturing details can be found online at NeedSomeTissue.com or call toll-free 1-800-266-SKIN.

HOW TO GET COMFORTABLE IN YOUR SKIN™ —

Wearing your SKIN™ should feel like wearing nothing at all: all SKINs™ are specially engineered to guard muscle, bones, ligaments, and internal organs while drawing as little attention to themselves as possible. If you are feeling discomfort while wearing your SKIN™, there are a number of possible explanations. For burning, itching, tickling, sore, cracking, stinging, cold, damp, dry, or any other type of painful sensation, see HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR SKIN™ on page 45. For general discomfort that makes you sigh a lot and is temporarily relieved by eating a sleeve of your roommate’s Ritz crackers, try these simple remedies:

  • Do not look at anyone else who happens to be wearing a SKIN™
    This will only remind you that you are a subpar SKINNER™ and there are heights in SKIN™-wearing that you will never reach. For help in this process, check out the CO Blinders™ in the  SKIN™ Accessories store! With just a few weeks of routine inhalation of our tasteless, odorless gas, you will be blind to society’s beauty standards  and also just regularly blind.
  • Remove all stay hairs and fibers
    While all hairs were intentionally woven into your  SKIN™ for protective and cleansing purposes, a barer SKIN™ has been deemed the more desirable  SKIN™, particularly for women. Removal can be achieved by dragging a sharpened blade across your SKIN™ during routine washing or while sitting on your bed and streaming Friday Night Lights. For especially stubborn hairs, use a pair of steel pincers and forcibly yank out the hairs that are lodged deep within your SKIN™. You may also pour scalding hot wax onto your  SKIN™ and rip it off with fabric strips. As you may remember from earlier chapters, your SKIN™ will sometimes release a red-colored operational fluid when it has been damaged. This may happen during hair removal. Unlike all other times you see the red fluid, do not stop what you are doing. Instead, schedule the process into your nightly regimen.
  • Do not stretch your SKIN™ for any reason.
    Although you may feel the overwhelming inclination to stretch your SKIN™ at particular moments in time — after a breakup, during college finals, when you first start listening to Ani DiFranco and realize that you “just shouldn’t give a shit” — refrain from any expansion. While it will not break, the SKIN™ will acquire an unpleasant pattern at your most bulbous points. Shrinking your SKIN™ back to its original size will not fix your SKIN™ — the marks will remain to remind you of your transgressions.
  • If you are interested in rubbing your SKIN™ against another’s SKIN™:
    Refrain from turning on any lights. Once you remove all fabric accessories from your SKIN™, immediately jump into/behind a shielding object. SKIN™ makers suggest concealing your SKIN™ with  blankets, an armoire, a domesticated animal, or a silly oversized hat. If asked what you are doing, feign a SKIN™ malfunction like “coldness”.
  • When all else fails, try this SKIN™ certified technique:
    Put on your SKIN™ and climb into a bathtub filled with a watered-down amalgamation of whiskey and ginger ale. Continue to lie there for approximately six-hours or for as long as you can stand listening to Katy Perry’s “Firework” on repeat.  
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