Hi, we’re MTV(other)’s Josh and Josh. We invited ourselves to write for this women’s web site because we have TONS of advice on what you care about most, besides yourselves: dating. We are expert dudes because we’ve been dudes for twenty-two years and we know what men want because we are men. So ask us questions! Or ask us if you can buy us like a remote controlled car and a six pack. The answer is yes. And be sure to watch our web series “Two Guys Named Josh” on Mtvother.com.
Hi Two Guys Named Josh!
I am a virgin, and I am scared boys won’t want to date me when they find that out. Should I tell them or wait until we have been out a few times? Please help, but don’t be gross.
- Faith, 22, Austin
Josh 1: You’re a virgin? What’s your number?
Josh B: There is nothing wrong with being a virgin…but you should keep it to yourself.
Josh 1: Just surprise them after the second dessert course.Then you’re the third dessert.
Josh B: If you’re a virgin for religious reasons, your first time after getting married will be weird and you will get a divorce like my mom’s sister.
Josh 1: If you’re scared of sex, watch a video of a live birth. You will not be afraid of penises going into you after watching a human come out of another lady’s down-there-parts.
Josh B: Or you might be, which is also OK.
Josh 1: Remember, you can always lie about being a virgin. Or a not virgin.
Josh B: It isn’t even hard to do. Just talk about someone from summer camp
Josh 1: I’ll tell a lie right now: I went to summer camp.
Josh B: No one needs to know that you left summer camp after the first night when you couldn’t stop crying and screaming, “PAPA, MAMA, I MISS YOU!”
Josh 1: Josh, now you tell a lie.
Josh B: I don’t have scabies
Josh 1: See?! Easy as big cupcakes!
My boyfriend tells me I dress too provocatively, but I like the way I dress.Should I change for him?
Josh 1: NO. Your boyfriend sounds gay.
Josh B: In the winter, just wear a scarf around your breasts.
Josh 1: If it’s fall, wear clothes the color of turkey feathers, but not in a forest.
Josh B: Tell your boyfriend not to wear ladies panties and see how he feels.
Josh 1: Probably small and wet! I think that women should express themselves with all Forever 21 has to offer: leg holders, tiny shirts, flashy third hole earrings…
Josh B: My mom doesn’t let me wear a t-shirt that has a picture of L’il Kim’s butt and it makes me mad.
Josh 1: My mom is dead.
What do I do if my boyfriend’s parents don’t like me?
- Karin, 29, Chicago
Josh 1: Cheat on your boyfriend and tell his dad that it was his fault for not liking you.
Josh B: Are you ugly?
Josh 1: Are you diabetic?
Josh B: Try prettying up a bit. Or bring the mom something she likes, like turtles, for example.
Josh B: Bring them Jell-o shots and Powerade as a thank you.
Josh 1: Bring chocolates and make a Forrest Gump joke. Parents be loooovin’ Forrest Gump.
Josh 1: Go to Forever 21 and wear something that shows off your shaved legs.
Josh B: Be accommodating: offer to sleep on the floor. They don’t need to know you already do that.
Josh 1: Tell his parents you are very fertile. Parents want to have grandkids even more than kids.
Josh B: Kill them with kindness — but not literally. Tell the parents they are so attractive, they could be siblings. If that doesn’t work, be a polite guest and offer to wash the dishes.
Josh B: Tell the parents you wish they were your parents because your mom’s boyfriend is handsy.
Josh 1: Also just know that my dad hates me and my mom is super dead so if you want a new boyfriend, I am very single. Unless you’re ugly. Oh! Mention that you are one of those girls who knows when a guy is getting bored of her. Those are my favorite girls.
Josh B: Punch the dad to establish dominance.
For more from the Joshes, click here. If you have a dating question that you’d like to ask the Joshes, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line “Help Me, Josh and Josh!”