1. It won’t cover your spider veins, but it’ll make you feel like you tried!
2. Don’t try to get rid of your cellulite — dye it!
3. Where do you think you live, London? Nice try, paleface.
4. Slather on in the morning, wear a maxi dress anyway!
5. Costs more money than going outside, but less money than skin cancer!
6. Patented fragrance guarantees that no one will get close enough to notice your fake tan!
7. No one will smell it because everyone will be looking at the pale spots you missed!
8. Because pale is only “porcelain” on Photoshopped models!
9. It will totally make your legs look skinnier, we swear! Buy it!
10. Nothing about you is real, poseur. Might as well fake your tan!