2. Sunglasses — the new cigarettes, without the risk of cancer!
3. Perfect for wearing indoors when you can’t use being drunk as an excuse for bumping into things!
4. Because if no one can see your eyes, no one can see your filthy soul!
5. Everyone already knows you’re hungover — be fashionably irresponsible!
6. Can’t stop staring at someone’s glaring flaws? Hide behind sunglasses, you shallow bitch!
7. You might not be able to conquer the male gaze — but you can gaze back in judgment without him knowing!
8. Why let other people joke about your wandering eye?
9. Because global warming!
10. When you can’t stop crying, wear sunglasses!
Bonus: Put them on your dog, become an Instagram celebrity!