The food industry’s favorite person to avoid, Guy Fieri, has opened a new restaurant in Las Vegas and the menu is a wonder to behold! Imagine your worst PMS cravings engaging in unholy ugly-bumpage with your least favorite nightmares about crying during dental surgery (with or without anesthesia), and then take every sensory vibration you feel from that and bathe it in smokey moose gravy. That’s the dessert menu. Here are a few items that did not make the dinner menu because no one involved in the taste test was brave enough to complete the dare:
1. Truckin’ Knockin’ Dragon Turdy Tots: We take your tasty ‘tater tots, pulverize them with our fists until we bleed, light that tot pulp on actual fire, yell at it for being late to the party and not bringing enough whiskey, and layer on Gramma’s mozzarella balls with some kickin’ jalapeños, ghost peppers, and another side of fresh blood-sabi!
2. Flounder Ramshackle Roundhouse Face Punch Melt: Get ready for total intestinal Guy-nihilation! A filet of flounder smoked in a Malibu sewer, battered in Granpappy’s illegal moonshine (300 proof, pussies!) and raw cornmeal shipped in from Guy’s secret desert battleground, dipped in two gallons of raw egg yolk yayoli (may or may not be real cocaine!), and suffocated to near death in with real Wisconsin cheddar cheese and spicy squirrel ketchup on a pretzel bun! Ask for extra napkins!
3. Socko Bunny Monster-sabi Disasterwich: This ‘wich is your express train to Diarrhea Town. Between two slices of rye bread (with seeds, asshole!), one pound of scared rabbit tenderloin – mercifully killed after 75 hours of being stalked, tenderized, tasered, and psychologically ruined in the darkness obstacle course of our very own kitchen — drenched to the marrow in our wicked Monster-sabi sauce and wrapped in a toasted puppy tortilla. So hot it actually melts through the table, so order an extra table or eat it FAST!
4. Guy’s Ultimate Last Chance Meat Apocalypse: Call the authorities, because this meat IS murder! All between our brand new Guy-talian bread bun is charbroiled flank of endangered rhino three ways — Black Rhino with balsamic marinade, Sumatran Rhino with turmeric coating, and Javan Rhino with coffee rub — mozzarella, cheddar, and muenster cheese melted with a gooey gouda sauce on top, lettuce & tomato, the broken heart of a bald eagle sautéed with peppers and onions, a light sprinkle of Algonquin tears, lye-oli sauce, a slice of the Ozone Layer, all held together with a dagger that is also meant to be eaten — IF YOU DARE!
5. Roast Baby: ‘Nuff said. Made to order, if you can handle it!