Tim Tebow, the unemployed, virginal, former NFL star, who now has nothing but his man-hymen to keep him warm at night, was the star of a very special Easter Sunday service held in the most holy house of worship that is SeaWorld Orlando.
According to a lede by the New York Daily News, which reads like a Mad-Lib, but is in fact an actual news item:
Jesus, Tebow and Shamu came together for an extra-special Easter Sunday church service at SeaWorld.
Thousands of believers packed out the Orlando, Fla., attraction’s Bayside Stadium to see firsthand the holy trinity of American culture — religion, sports and entertainment.
While Tebow himself wasn’t present — likely shame-jerking off and weeping silently to work up his appetite for a tasty Easter ham — his parents Bob and Pam delivered the sermon, which focused on what a miracle baby he was, and willfully ignored the existence of their four other children. You know, the true meaning of Easter.
After the sunrise service, which SeaWorld has apparently been hosting for the last 37 years, the 7000 attendees got a chance to linger around the park and visit Shamu, the Traditional Easter Whale.*
This family interviewed by the Orlando Sentinel woke up at 4am to drive in for the event and sit outdoors in the rain, worshiping the newly resurrected Lord and Savior Tim Tebow in their best Easter Ponchos.
In conclusion, sinkholes were officially the least frightening occurrence in the state of Florida this Easter weekend.
*Reports of Shamu sporting bunny ears in light of the Holy Day have been unconfirmed.