If a genie were to interrupt my typical routine and offer to grant me three wishes, I would first scold him for disrespecting my tasks and duties and ask him to set up a private conference over Google Calendar, because hello, I’m a business lady as well as a business, lady. (Suck on that feminist mystic pizza, Shailene Woodley!) When we got together later in the day, I would ask the genie for the following things: an infinite amount of wishes (because mama didn’t raise no fool), some selfless, universal thing that would make you all respect me (like world peace or for Chipotle to have delivery services), and an evening of prank phone calls and tequila shots with Uncle Joe Biden, the Vice President of Partying, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Because magic isn’t real (believe me — I’ve cut open plenty of young girls’ hearts; surely I would’ve found some by now!), I’ll just have to settle for watching Biden and Louis-Dreyfus romp around in pre-filmed segment for the White House Correspondents Dinner from the comfort (and dank sadness) of my own home.