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What Women Will Buy When They Finally Achieve Equal Pay

Now, let's see: we need new underwear, a fancy face cream, a katana to use in the Feminist Uprising, tampons..

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Let’s stop with the polite turn of phrase “equal pay” and call it what it really is: we want more money. Even when we start making as much as men, we’ll want more. There are just so many things that we want need. Here are the first things women will buy with those sweet, sweet, equal-to-men bones.

  • Nicer bras, the kind that don’t just wear out at the clasps after three months.
  • Like, really nice face cream. The kind that you can barely afford the samples of because you aren’t even buying anything expensive enough to get complimentary samples of stuff that nice.
  • Guns! Get lots and lots of guns! For killing! Killing men!
  • Upgrade to Pandora One. Hell, we’ve been through a lot! We don’t need to listen to commercials!
  • Garbage bags, for uhm, cleaning your house and getting rid of stuff.
  • Treat yourself to actual tupperware, not just Recycled chinese food containers.
  • Hire a lawyer! A lady lawyer paid the same as men! That lawyer will help you with the gun thing!
  • If you can’t get a lawyer, invest in a small, off the grid hut in the mountains. Far away. Make sure no roads lead there.
  • Get a soda stream! Your own seltzer at your own whim? You’ll be the boss in no time! (Of the business you must secretly run out of your mountain hut.)
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