You Can’t Change Him: Don Draper

He's super handsome and awful. Don't bang this guy. Not even in your head.


Fan bases for some TV shows and movies tend to start turning actors into sex symbols (both willing and unwilling). But things start to get kind of weird when the affections turn to the characters they play. Why is that so weird? Because they don’t actually exist. But for the sake of this post, let’s say that these characters are real people and lusting over them is not totally weird. It won’t change the fact that they are unforgiving, unrelenting assholes. And no matter how much you might want to will it into existence, You Can’t Change Him.

Today’s edition: Don Draper. Or, more accurately, “Don Draper.”

You might want to spend a lovely evening of sexual sexing with Mr. Draper, and such a night would be 100 percent guaranteed to happen should you ever cross that path that exists in a dimension that hosts the existence of both fictional and nonfictional characters. But despite the statistical certainty that Don Draper would like to make friends with your vagina because it’s a vagina, you know what? You don’t want to hit this. Don has issues.

Issue #1: He smokes. And he’s not going to quit. Because he exists in the 1960s. Gross.


Issue #2: He and his ex do not get along. Why? Who did what? Though they’re both pretty awful and have more issues than a daily newspaper with morning and evening editions. All the more reason to move on to someone with slightly less baggage.


Issue #3: This jacket. He wore it and there’s no going back.


Issue #4: He ugly cries. I mean, really. Fantasy = murdered.


Issue #5: He’s not real.

Fictional men are basically actual unicorns.

Bonus reasons to get over Don Draper: He lies, cheats, is an alcoholic, is married (again), is mad wishy-washy (see what I did there), has a tendency to be absolutely fucking terrible to people.



Go on with your mad self, Don Draper, you hot mess of a man.

Filed Under |
© 2014 The Maude   |   About UsAdvertiseNewsletterJobsPrivacyUser AgreementDisclaimerContact  RSSGoogle+

Dan Abrams, Founder
  1. Mediaite
  2. Gossip Cop
  3. Styleite
  4. SportsGrid
  5. The Mary Sue
  6. The Maude
  7. The Braiser