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You Can’t Change Him: Sherlock Holmes

Don't believe the social media hype. Don't bang this guy.

Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes in BBC Sherlock "The Great Game"Fans of BBC’s Sherlock are now just a few tiny months into the show’s hiatus, which will most likely last at least seven to thirty-five years. This means that the fandom’s halfway house* (commonly known as Tumblr), is in active withdrawal mode and taking to its respective photo editing programs to create lovey-dovey graphics and memes celebrating the show’s lead character, Sherlock Holmes. While Benedict Cumberbatch can keep some of the crazy at bay with his other work, it will be a while before Sherlock whips out his deductive talents and continues his bromance with John Watson.

But if we’re being honest with ourselves, Sherlock Holmes, as he is represented on the BBC, is an unrelenting prick and should not be dated under any circumstances. In honor of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s recent birthday, let’s put on our jaunty detective hats, polish our magnifying glasses, and have a closer look at how incredibly undesirable Sherlock Holmes really is.

Issue #1: Sherlock cannot hold his liquor.

drunklockI mean, really.

Issue #2: He gets bratty about hats. He’s basically seven.


Issue #3: Total workaholic. He’s the type who forgets to eat. This guy will never take you out. He will make you do homework, and then he’ll make you wait for him while he corrects everything he thinks you did wrong.


Issue #4: He’s even a dick to his own parents. Red flag much?


Issue #5: Will absolutely use you, especially if you work for the media. “Hey, why don’t I visit you at work some time?… Great, I’ll drop by after getting some business cards printed out. You don’t mind giving one to your boss, right?” Whatever, dude. Jeez.


Issue #6: He is that guy who is always trying to quit smoking. Spoiler: He never quits smoking.


But the best reason of all not to date Sherlock Holmes: He’s not real. He’s a fictional character. A significant portion of his fans want him to make Watson his boyfriend while simultaneously wanting him all to themselves.

Bonus reasons not to date Sherlock Holmes: He’s a completely self-absorbed, obsessive narcissist who will pretend to kill himself in front of you and likes to tell people he’s a “high-functioning sociopath” rather than admit he’s just not into parties and shit. He is also an actual murderer who gets off on other murders for the sheer game of it. You want to imagine this guy hitting you up on OKCupid? Be my guest, freak.


*Author is a lifetime member of the Cumbercollective. 

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